I have experienced several losses in my life. Family members and close friends have died and disappeared from my life. These deaths occurred in various short periods of time. I have experienced close friends’ mental and physical illnesses. These losses have affected me very much over time. But I still want to talk about something else. Some years ago I ended up in a classic period in life. I think that many people go through their 40s, like I did. I started to ask questions. Existential ones; I watched the stars, and started thinking about our infinite universe. I got confused in a way I didn’t think was possible. I, a believer of science, an atheist or possibly a agnostic started to doubt in myself and my ability to be structured. Off being capable of taking care of my own feelings. I discovered that I early in life had lost touch with my feelings, that I had turned them off, or in some cases theorized them. I had developed escape behaviour in world class. Eventually the bubble burst, and I realized that the path that I had chosen is not good for me. My path! It felt like I ran into an emotional tsunami, and a part of my ego died.
I now understand that it takes a lot of time to go through all the emotions that put so much pressure on me. From all directions! It is not possible to go round, under or over them. I have to go right through! I know that I will do that. With help, I will be successful! My sorrow is my own. It is good to know. I have late in life learned that I can react to a loss the way I want, or choose to do. I don’t have to do it the way others have told me. That it is ok to do it my way. I have learned to appreciate art more than before. I recently visited an exhibition of a well-known Swedish painter. He painted the way my mind is structured. It was like coming home. At the same moment I had that feeling, I realized that I am about to come through. What a journey! // Rickard Löf, father of two boys, married, living in a small town in the south of Sweden. Rickard, thank you for sharing your story! //Love Marianne
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