Grief, this feeling that none of us wants to meet on our path of life, but all of us have to deal with whether we want to or not. Grief that can be so tragic and so painful. Just like for every human being on this earth, also I have inevitably had to meet it. In some cases I have taken me through it, and been able to continue living life with a little bit more compassion. But there is also a grief I didn’t have the strength to talk about, or deal with until many, many years later. What happens to a person when she says no; I can’t take it, I can’t handle it, I don’t want to feel this. Can you do that, or do you just push your grief deep down inside yourself? When you close the door for your grief to come out, because you’re not able to handle it, do you also close the door for the possibility to experience joy, compassion and life energy? What happens when grief gets stuck inside you? I don’t know. I just know that a part of me was turned off deep inside of me, and I lost enormously amount of power and energy. When I was confronted with the insight that I would not have children, not become a mother in this life; a bottomless impregnable grief came crashing against me with the highest speed. I tried to duck, I tried to hide, I tried to pretend nothing had happened, I tried to keep the façade up, but deep down inside me the pain and later the sorrow hit me hard. It knocked me to the ground. Stunned me completely. I tried to walk away from it, I walked and walked and walked, but it stayed with me like an invisible and extremely painful companion. A companion I didn’t want to look at. The pain cut right through my soul when I looked at it, so instead I chose to close my eyes and hide myself. Then I hit the famous wall of exhaustion…
Several years later I started to acknowledge the sorrow that lived within me, the pain, and how incredibly lonely it was to mourn when nobody knew I was actually mourning. Mourning a child that was never born, that never existed. Can one do that? At the same time as people around you are having children and you want to share their happiness. Some people say that the worst grief is when your child dies. That has always confused me. Can you really grade which grief that is the worst? Just in general? Isn’t that different for each person? My dogs have always, since I was a child, had the same importance to me as human beings. At the same time I realize that I sort of lost a child even though it wasn’t born, and that this grief is insufferably painful. I had longed for so many years to become a mother, ever since I was young. When I finally realized that it wasn’t going to be, the grief became overwhelming, unbearable to handle. Today I’m glad I had the courage to face my grief, to admit it to myself and to others. I will always carry it with me, or rather; I will always carry the experience of the loss with me. Just as the loss of a beloved grandfather and equally loved dogs. I go through the grief, and I know that life actually continues. That my life can be good and wonderfully rich even if the missing is there, and will always be there. Ylva Östlund, Vedic Art teacher, artist, and energy therapist – guest blogger.
Ylva, thank you so much for sharing your story, a very important story! // Love Marianne
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